Just talked to Balderston's NP. I called yesterday and left a message; I wanted to have a brief conversation with him about the xrays that I had on Friday after seeing him. She said that he'll call me, maybe tomorrow as he is out of town today, and tell me what is going on at each level in my spine.

Of course, even though I wanted this conversation, now I'm frantic, a little, wondering why he needs to talk to me. Why couldn't he just give the message to her to give to me that the xrays look fine or they look like they expected them to look? Cause maybe they don't, that's why!

It could also be that they took xrays and it is normal to discuss the results with the patient, especially one going into surgery (fingers crossed!) in a few months. It could be that I'm getting the attention and information I deserve; but then the doubting chatter swells up louder and I wonder, "what if there is another curve?" "What if there is some other problem that will prevent them from doing the surgery?" "What if I'm destined to walk like a hunchback, for ever shorter distances, forever?

All I can do is wait for him to call me and hope that it is tomorrow.

Jesus, this is worse than dating ... no wonder I'm a wreck.