Thursday, August 03, 2006

Blink of an Eye

I attended this event last night, one of about three social events I've been to in the last 7 and a half months. It was fun, if draining; I stood for far longer than I should have, even after I felt the pain and exhaustion begin, like a little child who is too sleepy to keep her eyes open yet still insists on waiting up for Santa. I did this because I was excited to be out and see some people for a change and have some fun, and at things like these n one really sits down, you walk around, you mingle, you make the rounds. Since I'm not too good at walking the other two didn't come very easily for me. Thank goodness for a few really nice people, good friends, who brought me food and drinks and walked slowly around with me or sat with me when I could no longer hold myself up.

Sometimes I feel so conspicuous with the cane, like everyone on the street is staring at me. (That wouldn't be because it's festooned with stickers and, sometimes, a bacon air freshner? No!) Last night, aside from my friends, I have to say I felt sort of invisible. Part of that, well, probably all of that, is my own doing. I'm very self conscious about the cane and the way that I appear, all hunched over and leaning to one side, probably more self consious (and rightly so!) in a room full of photographers. I was reluctant to approach some people to introduce myself; I can't help projecting my evil thoughts about myself into their minds, "Yuck, who's the gimp?" or "What's wrong with her?" To make matters just a bit worse, a few people, who I thought I knew and thought I liked, seemed to pointedly ignore me.

Again, this might just be my own distorted self image working overtime, but in case it's not, it isn't the first time I've experienced something along these lines (ref. here); some people just seem to not want to be around someone who is not well. They don't know what to say, they feel uncomfortable being reminded of their own mortality, or they're just so self-absorbed that they simply can't be bothered. Whatever the reason, whoever's fault, I still felt that some people at Blink of an Eye had theirs closed.


Anonymous Ranabass said...

I am so proud to have made one of those STICKERS!!!

It is quite disappointing to learn that some were not able to overcome such discomfort in order to spend time with you. THEIR loss.

I do hope we meet in person someday soon, Ingrid. Kristi and I talk of driving up the east coast someday. My best friend from high school is a New Yorker, and I have always wanted to introduce him to Kristi (they are both composers!). I hope that when we get there, we can take you and Tyler (and Tony!) to coffee or something. Or, at least, if there is a meetup, we will be proud wallflowers with you!

4:09 PM  

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