I hate just waiting for time to pass.

There's nothing I can really do until I go to see the doctor next Friday. As I've said before I have mixed feelings about this appointment, on one hand, wanting to go and ask questions and be reassured that I will indeed be having the surgery and perhaps even given a date for it. On the other hand, (and I hate this hand), being told that maybe Aetna hasn't responded, or worse, that they have rejected the request and we'll have to appeal. Last time we were in Dr. B.'s office, he left us with the impression that they knew how to "work the system," meaning they'll wheel and deal with the insurance company to get the operation covered. I hope they know what they're doing.

It doesn't help, either, that I called the woman who is supposedly in touch with the insurance company and is supposed to be coordinating all this to see if there was any other information (like the fact that I was just approved for SSDI) that might help. She said she'd call me back and hasn't, which just makes me crazy. I was saying to my husband the other night that this is just like dating. Do I call back? Why didn't she call me? Maybe she's busy, or maybe she's sick, or maybe I'm never having this surgery and I'll be in a wheelchair soon.

If I got a date for the surgery, then I could start planning; I could start to line up who's going to take care of Tony, maybe get some new pajamas to wear, get my hair cut and my legs waxed in anticipation of a two week hospital stay. But for now there's really nothing I can do except wait for time to pass.

We spoke to Dr. B's office last week with questions about my activities. Last time I spoke with him he told me to stay strong and stretch, but things are going downhill, literally, by the week so I was worried that my efforts to stay active were somehow harming me. Tyler spoke to Theresa who said that pain aside, swimming was good (check) and that I should not be doing anything high impact (yeah, right, there goes that Salsa Step class I was signed up for) or carrying any weights. I've switched my upper body workout from free weights to machines to give me a bit more support, as I'm now afraid that bicep curls have been wearing down my discs. That's ridiculous, of course, I know that, but still.

I go back to see Dr. B on October 20th and I'm terrified that after all this time I'm going to either be denied by the insurance company or my discs will have deteriorated to the point where the disc won't physically fit. I'm anxious beyond belief about this, but all I can really do is wait it out till next week, something I've never been good at.

Patients/Patience

Did you ever hear the old pun, "I wanted to be a doctor, but I didn't have any patience (patients)?"

I had just about given up on talking to anyone at Dr. B's office without exploding into an angry tirade, so I had Tyler call. Here I mentioned that it had been a week since I'd called right after the announcement came about the FDA approval and hadn't heard back. Just after that entry, I called again, this time asking to speak with someone in scheduling for Dr. Balderston intstead of his NP, (who really is handling all of this very poorly). I spoke to someone who we'll call "K" (no allusion to Kafka or Joseph K intended), who was very nice and understanding when I explained that the not calling patients back business was unacceptable. When I'd called the Thursday before, they said they would call back. Ok, so when someone, especially a doctor's office says that they will call you back, I sort of expected a call back within a few hours or at least by the next day. K explained that the reason no one called is because they were all waiting to meet with Dr. B. and his NP to decide who would be seen and in what order and that both Dr. B. and his NP had been and were still out on vacation and wouldn't even be back until the following Monday.

Well, OK! Why couldn't someone just have called and told me, and the other frantic patients, that? Do any of these "administrators" have any idea what it feels like to need an operation to be able to stand up straight and walk any distance and to be free of pain and then to have the doctor's office who is supposed to do the surgery NOT RETURN A CALL? It feels like you've fallen through the cracks, like maybe you need to start all over with another doctor after all this time, or like you are doomed to just get worse and worse till you are finally riding around in a wheelchair with really strong arms. I told K that she wasn't working for some five-star snooty New York restaurant that could have an attitude and not return calls if they didn't feel like it, this was my doctor. My doctor! To not have a return call from a doctor's office for 7 whole days is unconscionable. It's not like I call all the time and harrass them. K assured me that as soon as they all met and decided who would be getting appointments, they would be calling us all back.

OK.

A whole other week goes by and now I'm out of patience, thinking that I can't stand it, that I would be able to stand it if only someone would call me and tell me that I'd have to stand it another few months, another six months, another year, ok? But just freakin' call me back and tell me! I understand that they were probably swamped with calls, but as I said here, hire a freaking temp nurse! It's not like they weren't anticipating this kind of reaction from their patients. We're desparate, for crying out loud! We're all in pain, and in various states of disability, can anyone blame us for being impatient about when we might have surgery?

The end of this tale does have a sort of happy ending and here it is. When Tyler called on Thursday (a full two weeks after I called the first time: Shame on them!)K immediately said that Dr. B. wanted to see me and launched into a list of available appointments. When he asked what the delay was in calling back, she said that they'd just gotten the list together that morning. Whatever.

Ok, the windup is I go this coming Friday at 8AM. I don't know what he's going to tell me, but at least I'll get some face time and get some questions answered and even if he tells me it is going to be more of a wait, at least I'll be able to have patience.