Give it up cause I'm BACK

I wish this pain would give it up already.
I had a couple good years. I don't mean to sound defeated and pessimistic, and I'm not saying that the surgery wasn't worth it, it def was. Without it, I'd still be walking with a cane, unable to stand up straight or hold up my upper body. I am having leg pain, throbbing pain, like a heartbeat, after activities that require lots of walking or standing on hard surfaces. Had to coat my legs in Tiger Balm last night and use my fists to pound some additional circulation into my muscles in order to relieve it somewhat. For some reason, I have in my mind that pain can only be relieved with something equally as violent, hence the fist pounding, and before you make an assumption of masochism or anything, I learned it from a yoga instructor (the fist pounding, not the weird idea about pain relief). This was after a day of running errands and doing an hour yoga class in the morning, not exactly running a marathon. Incidentally, I'm wondering out loud here why the hell I need to cram all my errands into Saturday when I'm unemployed and can go to the post office and CVS and Bed Bath and Beyond during the week? W/E.
I also have sciatica pretty bad again, and I when I say pretty bad I mean moving a certain way which I might add, is still completely unpredictable, gets me a lightning bolt of pain down my leg, like a filament of an old light bulb, white hot and quivering.
The other large issue now is my neck. A few weeks ago I had xrays and an MRI. I'm now able to read xrays and MRI films pretty well, and I was shocked, as I was 20+ years ago when I saw my thoracic spine twisted like a vine around a tree in that set of xrays, to see my C5 disc completely collapsed. The physiatrist I saw was a joke, writing a script for muscle relaxers I can't take for obvious reasons and NSAIDS that I can't take because of stomach problems. Dr. Spivak, who was recommended to me by Dr. Balderston, says he can go in and TRY to fit in an artificial disc, but, like the sitch with my lumbar spine 5 years ago, it's collapsed and he probably won't be able to pry it apart to fit the disc in. Aside from that, I have bone spurs and arthritis in there and he says he can clean it up and I may get some relief.
I need relief. My left arm and shoulder kill me a lot, and I can't depend on the left side for anything (which makes chaturanga dandasana a challenge and sometimes a comedy routine and sometimes just a balasana (child's pose) until I'm able to use it again.
But I keep going. I keep doing yoga, I keep hiking, I keep trying to lift stuff with my left arm, cause if I don't that'll mean I give up and I don't.

Physical Therapy yet again

I'm back for yet another round of Physical Therapy. Those of you who know me know that I am not crazy for PT for a variety of reasons.

So I had my first appointment last Tuesday. The therapist was nice enough, but not nearly as aggressive as I'd like her to be with the massage. I hadn't been to acupuncture for a few weeks and I was needing those knots to be worked out; her gentle massage just didn't cut it for me. Then, and this is really weird, she gave me the heat pack at the end of the session (don't they usually do that at the beginning, to warm the muscles up to work them?)and to top it all off, she put this huge heat pack under my shoulder so I was laying on top of it and all uneven. It really threw me out of whack and I hate myself for not opening my mouth sooner but she was with another patient and I didn't want to be a noodge. I had sciatica all the way home, I think from being all out of whack and not laying flat. I'm telling her not to do that again when I have my next appointment tomorrow.

Had another follow up with Dr. Bartoli. She (and her med student) did a nerve function test on me and, thank goodness, all is fine with my nerves. She thinks the numbness and "funny bone" feeling in my fingers is from the muscles in my shoulder and thoracic region not pulling their share of the weight so to speak and putting pressure on the nerves that affect those parts. I also got a few blessed trigger point injections, which never fail to please.

XRays- Six Month follow up

Oh, of course he comes in the room and goes straight for the xrays, saying how fantastic they look (nothing like patting yourself on the back, there, Dr. B). Then he asks me to stand and says how fantastic I look, how straight, and tall, if a bit too thin (I know I need to put on some weight). I can bend over nicely, but still can't bring my leg up to tie my shoes, etc., but I now have the go ahead to begin stretching so I can tie my shoes.

He insists that the sciatica and tearing pain in my upper back is due to my body slowly readjusting to movements that are still fairly unfamiliar to it, such as walking longer distances more often, sitting for longer periods, and gosh darn it, playing badminton!

Of course, I completely forgot to get a new PT script from him, but I can get that faxed over to Pam by tomorrow. He says light weights (which is what I've been doing) should help to strengthen it up, and with strength will come relief from pain. I hope so! I think I'll even tempt fate and begin to swim again, gently this time, so any pats on the back won't hurt too much.

I was over my back ...

This looks and feels the same to me as it has for the past couple months now. Still sore, still feels like it's going to pull apart when I stretch (which I found out yesterday I wasn't supposed to be doing. Oops.)

Talked to Theresa yesterday about the weird burning pain in my upper back that gives me the chills and the willies and the persistent nag of the threat of full blown sciatica shooting down my legs. She repeated her mantra that I'm overdoing it and I should listen to my body. How do I start to listen to my body now? Much of my life has been spent ignoring those tiny tweaks and twinges in order to just get through the day. How else could I have spent years fencing, rock climbing, running long distances? I'm not sure what listening to my body even means.

So today at the gym I only did legs, and I haven't been swimming for a week, afraid I'll get the burning pulling pain in the water and necessitate a rescue by the lifeguard. It's that bad, and I sometimes can't feel when it's coming. I Also can't believe I did it to myself trying to stretch. When will I learn that I'm not competing with anyone and it doesn't matter all that much if I exercise six times a week or three? I'm still getting plenty of exercise walking Tony every single day (but in fact the walking is what brings out the sciatica, what to do?). Today at the gym I was feeling good after a half hour on the elliptical cardio machine and full leg weight circuit; I had no twinges in my legs until I started stretching my quads (which I was told I could and should do), at which point I felt that little shock go down my legs. I'm thinking it has something to do with arching my back, which I did slightly while performing the stretch.

It's clear I must cut back my activites, which I already have been forced to. I miss swimming, I miss the smell of the chlorine and the beauty of our pool; I miss gliding through the water, channeling Michael Phelps, rocking from side to side gulping in air.

Just when I thought it was safe to be so over this whole ordeal, it's, if you'll excuse the pun, back.